we fly & stand up

[skatecone]

hallo leute,
ich hab hier mal 2 unfertige texte gepostet und möchte euch bitten, mal n bisschen kritik zu üben. also was ihr so davon haltet odeauch gerne verbesserungsvorschläge. es is in richtung punk rock gedacht, also irgendwo zwischen my chemical romance, rise against und blink 182.(nur so als grobe richtung)
cheerz





we fly

you feel alone and forsaken
from everyone else
love is just a word floating around
that you once tried to catch

leave your worries behind and take my hand
i'll take you to a place far away
where you discover love again
your heart will be filled with joy

come with me
grab my hand
never let it go
i love you yeah i do
we fly into
the blue sky
to the stars yeah we do

i know you fear the thought of trusting me
but i've been through this before as well
it feels like you lost ground under your feet
but i'm here to catch you
i take your hand and we start flying

come with me
grab my hand
never let it go
i love you yeah i do
we fly into
the blue sky
to the stars yeah we do



stand up

a catchy pretty word, a lovely little phrase
that makes you calm down and gets you move in pace
suddenly your heart grows warm, cause you know what i mean
your thoughts start to move 'round, the memories come back
a single tear is dropping, starts your life soundtrack
what it is all about, now you do glean

stand up and make a change
for you, for me, for everything
cause the world has so much more for you to hold

 

[x-Riff]

hi scateone,

ist generell besser wenn Du für jeden songtext einen eigen thread aufmachst - sonst gehen die Kommentare leicht durcheinander.

Ich mach´s aber mal jetzt:

we fly

you feel alone and forsaken
from everyone else
love is just a word floating around
that you once tried to catch
das that eher weg - ansonsten ne schöne Metapher und Wendung, finde ich

leave your worries behind and take my hand
i'll take you to a place far away
where you discover love again
entweder where you´ll oder einfach to discover love again (würde persönlich das letztere bevorzugen)
your heart will be filled with joy

come with me
grab my hand
never let it go
i love you yeah i do
we fly into
the blue sky
to the stars yeah we do

i know you fear the thought of trusting me
Das finde ich schon im Deutschen eher umständlich: Ich weiß Du fürchtest den Gedanken, mir zu vertrauen ... vlt. sowas wie: I know it´s hard for you to trust (in) me oder so?
but i've been through this before as well
it feels like you lost ground under your feet
but i'm here to catch you
i take your hand and we start flying

come with me
grab my hand
never let it go
i love you yeah i do
we fly into
the blue sky
to the stars yeah we do

Yu - klare Aussage, starke innere Überzeugung, eindeutige Botschaft ...

stand up

a catchy pretty word, a lovely little phrase
that makes you calm down and gets you move in pace
besser: ohne that und stattdessen making you calm down
suddenly your heart grows warm, cause you know what i mean
Dein Herz wächst warm?
your thoughts start to move 'round, the memories come back
your memories statt the memories?
a single tear is dropping, starts your life soundtrack
what it is all about, now you do glean

stand up and make a change
for you, for me, for everything
eigentlich wäre for everyone logischer ... oder sowas wie for all that comes oder so ... ist aber auch Geschmacksache ...
cause the world has so much more for you to hold
to give wäre hier passender, imho

Gleichermaßen: klare Aussage, gut strukturiert ...

x-Riff