The last day on earth // Post Rock

[sebu_cky]

Hallo!
Auch mal ein Text von mir... Ist für einen Post-Rock Song, mit elektronischen Einflüssen. lol.
Ach ja, der Text wird gesprochen!
Danke für eure Kritiken/Verbesserungsvorschläge.

Hab Alternativen durch / gekennzeichnet, bitte sagt mir welche jeweils die bessere ist.
Es geht um einen Mann, der kurz vor seinem Tod steht, und sich Gedanken macht ob er im Leben versagt hat.

----

THE LAST DAY ON EARTH

...Some might sink into the deepest depths of the unknown,
surrounded by oblivion / slipping into oblivion, others...
others will be remembered / with us forever...

Tonight you are abandoning your loved ones,
uncertain of the things to come.
You're leaving them behind as you're wondering
what the future / death might bring.
Will there be light? Will you dwell in eternal darkness?
Your life, now shattered to pieces, a ruin vanishing today / with time
can never be retrieved.
Have you been the man you wanted to be?
Your actions taken, can / will they ever be forgotten?

What did you feel when the hourglass was turned over?
Have you been able to feel free?
Free from the past, the unchangeable remembrance of the life
you once lead?
Free from the guilt, you once carried upon your shoulders?
Forgivenss is the strength of the world
repression is the weakness of the soul.
For it can never forget.

 

[desgraca]

so macht der job spaß bei denen, wo du ne auswahl angegeben hast, hatte ich meistens nen klaren favoriten, den heb ich mal in pink raus jeweils...

THE LAST DAY ON EARTH

...Some might sink into the deepest depths of the unknown,
surrounded by oblivion / slipping into oblivion, others...
others will be remembered / with us forever...

Tonight you are abandoning your loved ones,
uncertain of the things to come.
You're leaving them behind as you're wondering
what the future / death might bring.
Will there be light? Will you dwell in eternal darkness?
Your life, now shattered to pieces, a ruin vanishing today / with time
can never be retrieved.
Have you been the man you wanted to be?
were you the man
Your actions taken, can / will they ever be forgotten?
the actions you took, can they be forgotten?

What did you feel when the hourglass was turned over?
Have you been able to feel free?
Free from the past, the unchangeable remembrance of the life
memory
you once lead?
led
Free from the guilt you once carried upon your shoulders?
Forgiveness is the strength of the world
repression is the weakness of the soul.
For it can never forget.


finde den text insgesamt gelungen, vorallem sprachlich gesehn,,,würde mir allerdings fast vorstellen, dass dem typen seine gedanken und ängste nochn bisschen dramatischer klingen *grübel*

 

[sebu_cky]

danke für deine Hilfe! Auch für das Lob, das tut gut.
Dramatik versuch ich dann durch die Stimme und die Art wie der Text gesprochen wird reinzukriegen.
also, hier die aktuelle version:

THE LAST DAY ON EARTH

...Some might sink into the deepest depths of the unknown,
surrounded by oblivion, others...
others will be remembered forever...

Tonight you are abandoning your loved ones,
uncertain of the things to come.
You're leaving them behind as you're wondering
what death might bring.
Will there be light? Will you dwell in eternal darkness?
Your life, now shattered to pieces, a ruin vanishing today
can never be retrieved.
Were you the man you wanted to be?
the actions you took, can they be forgotten?

What did you feel when the hourglass was turned over?
Have you been able to feel free?
Free from the past, the unchangeable memory of the life
you once led?
Free from the guilt, you once carried upon your shoulders?
Forgivenss is the strength of the world
repression is the weakness of the soul.
For it can never forget.

 

[Surf Solar]

Ich kann an dem Text jetzt nichts akkut verbessern, dafür sind andere Leute viel begabter

Ich wollte dir nur sagen, dass ich den Text sehr gelungen finde, die sprachlichen Bilder wissen auch zu gefallen. Weiter so