2. anlauf, "war-time again"

[MiNoRiTy]

der text kam mir heute so in den sinn, hab zwar grad meinen ersten gepostet aber meinen 2. wollt ich dann doch nich vorenthalten weil ich mich gern verbessern möchte und kritik erhoffe

es ist zwar wieder viel gereimt aber diesmal auf den krieg bezogen

It's war-time again

An eye for an eye
And a tooth for a tooth
Another fallen G-I
Who lays down under roots
With the fear in the neck
They wait for the next attack
With an unknown doom
They watch the moon
Got their good-night-prayer
That'll protect 'em of the slayer
With the weapons in their hands
They stand their man and they defend

It's the war that caused this situation
It's the war that confronted much nations
Yes the war crippled courageous guys
Yeah the war killed the fearless and the shys
And damn it's war-time again
Yes damn it's payback time again
'I want you' - that'S what uncle sam says
That'S true - but there were better days


(And they stand there)
With uniform and boots
(And they stand there)
They don't want but they gotta shoot
(And they stand there)
Don't wanna sacrifice their life
(And they stand there)
Armed to the teeth from gun to knife
(And they stand there)
The enemy got the same fear
(And they stand there)
They hope the end is near




It took and takes so long
There's a fight while we sing along
2 world wars now an iraq war
Enough other wars and endless ressource
Unpredictable old men start the war
But young soldiers fight and they fall
I can't understand those loveless thoughts
I don't get the joke of this suicide walk
'Come on let's nuke each other'
Damn this is brother against brother


copyright by me^^

 

[StayTuned]

It's war-time again

An eye for an eye
And a tooth for a tooth
Another fallen G-I
Who lays down under roots
With the fear in the neck
They wait for the next attack there waiting for the next attack imho
With an unknown doom mit unbekanntem Verhängnis/Unheil beobachten sie den mond? check ich nicht.
They watch the moon
Got their good-night-prayer würde sagen "pray/say" statt got weil ein gebet doch nur schützt wenn es auch gebetet wird.
That'll protect 'em of the slayer
With the weapons in their hands
They stand their man and they defend bin mir nicht sicher ob es die bezeichnung "ihren mann stehen" so im englischen funktioniert.

It's the war that caused this situation causes
It's the war that confronted much nations konfrontieren finde ich ein wenig komisch formuliert weil nicht raus kommt warum sie sich gegenüber stehen
Yes the war crippled courageous guys der krieg verkrüppelt/lähmt mutige männer? sorry imho ein ätzender satz
Yeah the war killed the fearless and the shys du wiederholst ständig das wort "war".
And damn it's war-time again
Yes damn it's payback time again
'I want you' - that'S what uncle sam says
That'S true - but there were better days


(And they stand there)
With uniform and boots sonst wären sie ja nackt
(And they stand there)
They don't want but they gotta shoot
(And they stand there)
Don't wanna sacrifice their life
(And they stand there)
Armed to the teeth from gun to knife
(And they stand there)
The enemy got the same fear
(And they stand there)
They hope the end is near




It took and takes so long
There's a fight while we sing along
2 world wars now an iraq war wieso now? wir hatten schon mal einen golfkrieg falls du dich erinnerst. formulierung ist so nicht gut. glaub auch nicht dass man "iraq war" so sagen kann im englischen.
Enough other wars and endless ressource
Unpredictable old men start the war um welchen krieg gehts denn jetzt hier?
But young soldiers fight and they fall hier kein "aber". es gibt keine sätze zu verbinden.
I can't understand those loveless thoughts
I don't get the joke of this suicide walk
'Come on let's nuke each other'
Damn this is brother against brother


copyright by me^^

Hi Minority. Erstmal willkommen auf dem Board!
sooo... genug der Freundlichkeiten

Muss sagen ich tu mich mehr als schwer mit dem Text. Ich finde weden nen eingang dazu, noch nen tieferen Sinn. Klar es ist ein Anti-Kriegsong aber ich glaub dass das was du sagen willst und das was du geschrieben hast 2 verschiedene Sachen sind!
Der Text wirkt "schwer" auf mich und meiner meinung ist das nicht mal ne Beta-Version! Manche Sätze sind imho ohne Zusammenhang und manchen geben für mich, so wie sei hier stehen, keinen/wenig Sinn.
Was mir voll auf den Keks geht um ehrlich zu sein ist dass du immerzu das Wort "War" benutzt. Hättest du ihn mal korrektur gelesen wär dir das sicher aufgefallen. Und jetzt sag nicht das ist Absicht

So wie er jetzt ist kann ich damit nichts anfangen, sorry.
Evtl überarbeitest du ihn nochmal und stellst ihn nochmal ein. Das ist keine Kritik an deiner Person sondern an dem Text möchte ich nur noch mal klar stellen, ok? (Zur Zeit ist das Board da bissl empfindlich wies scheint) Und den kann man überabeiten Also hau rein...

 

[MiNoRiTy]

keine bange, ich vertrag kritik
ja das mit war is mir auch schon aufgefallen, aber danke für das feedback
werd mich bei gelegenheit nochma dransetzen

 

[ch1nook]

was mir jetzt negativ aufgefallen ist, dass du zuviel reimst. sicher machen es die profis vor..aber das sind ja auch profis. bei dir wirkt es leider oft etwas gezwungen. die erste strophe ist gut, aber die nächste klingt etwas wirr, als würdest du es nur so schreiben, damit du dein reimwort unterbringen kannst...#

vielleicht solltest du den text nochmal überarbeiten, denn potenzial ist ja schon vorhanden.

 

[wilbour-cobb]

hab auch noch ein paar sachen gefunden, reimen und englisch ist echt nicht wirklich leicht, der ein oder andere satz wirkt wirklich etwas erzwungen

It's war-time again

An eye for an eye
And a tooth for a tooth
Another fallen G-I "gefallen" im militaerischen sinne ist "KIA - killed in action"
Who lays down under roots "unter die wurzeln"? das ist weit unten, wie waers mit "down by the roots"
With the fear in the neck den ausdrrck "angst im nacken" gibts im englischen nicht, "to take fright" oder "to be frightend to death" ist so das aengstliche, was ich anbieten kann
They wait for the next attack andere zeit, "are waiting.."
With an unknown doom
They watch the moon wieder "watching"
Got their good-night-prayer
That'll protect 'em of the slayer
With the weapons in their hands
They stand their man and they defend

It's the war that caused this situation
It's the war that confronted much nations "many", "much" nur bei nicht-zaehlbarem
Yes the war crippled courageous guys
Yeah the war killed the fearless and the shys "shy" reicht einzahl
And damn it's war-time again
Yes damn it's payback time again
'I want you' - that'S what uncle sam says
That'S true - but there were better days


(And they stand there)
With uniform and boots "with" sie haben waffen und uniform in der hand, "in" und sie tragen sie auch
(And they stand there)
They don't want but they gotta shoot
(And they stand there)
Don't wanna sacrifice their life "...their lifes"
(And they stand there)
Armed to the teeth from gun to knife da muss ich mal nachschauen ob das mit dem "armed to the teeth" geht, mir ist es neu.
(And they stand there)
The enemy got the same fear "have" statt "got"
(And they stand there)
They hope the end is near




It took and takes so long
There's a fight while we sing along
2 world wars now an iraq war
Enough other wars and endless ressource "resources"
Unpredictable old men start the war "unpredictable" kann man nicht auf personen beziehen, besser "opaque - undurchsichtig"
But young soldiers fight and they fall besser "die"
I can't understand those loveless thoughts
I don't get the joke of this suicide walk was meinst du mit "suicide walk" sowas wie selbstmordmission? dann eher "suicide mission" oder so
'Come on let's nuke each other'
Damn this is brother against brother

 

[MiNoRiTy]

wow danke

mit suicide walk mein ich das sich ja im endeffekt alle gegenseitig töten, also indirekt "selbstmord"


lay down by roots gefällt mir besser danke

bei den zeiten muss ich bisl gucken^^ war abends da war ich nich so konzentriert^^



so hier 2. version^^


It's war-time again

An eye for an eye
And a tooth for a tooth
Another in action killed G-I
Who lays down by roots
Frightend to death
They're enjoying every breath
With an unknown doom
They're watching the moon
Pray their good-night-prayer
That'll protect 'em of the slayer
With the weapons in their hands
They stand their man and they defend

It's the war that causes this situation
It's the war that confronted much nations
It crippled courageous guys
And it killed the fearless and the shy
And damn it's war-time again
Yes damn it's payback time again
'I want you' - that'S what uncle sam says
That'S true - but there were better days


(And they stand there)
In uniform and boots
(And they stand there)
They don't want but they gotta shoot
(And they stand there)
Don't wanna sacrifice their life
(And they stand there)
Armed to the teeth from gun to knife
(And they stand there)
The enemy has the same fear
(And they stand there)
They hope the end is near




It took and takes so long
There's a fight while we sing along
2 world wars and iraq war
Enough other wars and endless ressources
Unpredictable old men start the war
Young soldiers fight and they die
I can't understand those loveless thoughts
I don't get the joke of this suicide walk
'Come on let's nuke each other'
Damn this is brother against brother

danke nochmal

 

[wilbour-cobb]

Another in action killed G-I

another GI killed in action - war nicht gut erklaert

Who lays down by roots

besser "the roots" ich hab mich auch erst verlesen, "we"statt "who", also als begraben ginge auch "underneath the roots"

Pray their good-night-prayer

hier natuerlich "prayers", sind ja mehrere. hab ich uebersehen



das wars dann aber auch, echt jetzt

 

[MiNoRiTy]

It's war-time again

An eye for an eye
And a tooth for a tooth
Another G-I's killed in action
And lays down by roots
Frightend to death
They're enjoying every breath
With an unknown doom
They're watching the moon
Pray their good-night-prayers
That'll protect 'em of the slayer
With the weapons in their hands
They stand their man and they defend

It's the war that causes this situation
It's the war that confronted much nations
It crippled courageous guys
And it killed the fearless and the shy
And damn it's war-time again
Yes damn it's payback time again
'I want you' - that'S what uncle sam says
That'S true - but there were better days


(And they stand there)
In uniform and boots
(And they stand there)
They don't want but they gotta shoot
(And they stand there)
Don't wanna sacrifice their life
(And they stand there)
Armed to the teeth from gun to knife
(And they stand there)
The enemy has the same fear
(And they stand there)
They hope the end is near




It took and takes so long
There's a fight while we sing along
2 world wars and iraq war
Enough other wars and endless ressources
Unpredictable old men start the war
Young soldiers fight and they die
I can't understand those loveless thoughts
I don't get the joke of this suicide walk
'Come on let's nuke each other'
Damn this is brother against brother

version 1.1b ^^

 

[void]

It's war-time again

An eye for an eye
And a tooth for a tooth
Another G-I's killed in action
And lays down by roots
Frightend to death
They're enjoying every breath
With an unknown doom
They're watching the moon
Pray their good-night-prayers
That'll protect 'em of the slayer
With the weapons in their hands
They stand their man and they defend

It's the war that causes this situation
It's the war that confronted much nations many nations
It crippled courageous guys
And it killed the fearless and the shy
And damn it's war-time again
Yes damn it's payback time again
'I want you' - that'S what uncle sam says
That'S true - but there were better days


(And they stand there)
In uniform and boots
(And they stand there)
They don't want but they gotta shoot ich persönlich fände 'not wanting to having to shoot' besser
(And they stand there)
Don't wanna sacrifice their life Not wanting to sacrifice their life
(And they stand there)
Armed to the teeth from gun to knife kann man das im englischen sagen 'bewaffnet bis an die Zähne'?
(And they stand there)
The enemy has the same fear The enemy knows this fear
(And they stand there)
They hope the end is near




It took and takes so long
There's a fight while we sing along
2 world wars and iraq wars
Enough other wars and endless ressources over endless ressources
Unpredictable old men start the war Senile old men fände ich besser
Young soldiers fight and they die
I can't understand those loveless thoughts
I don't get the joke of this suicide walk get the point?
'Come on let's nuke each other'
Damn this is brother against brother

version 1.1b ^^

vieles sind nicht wirkliche Fehler, aber stellen, bei denen ich denke das es noch ein wenig holpert

 

[MiNoRiTy]

ok danke nochmal an die andern auch

 

[200puls]

"And they stand there" würd ich persönlich ändern in "And there they stand" oder "And here they stand"...

wie bei "commercial victim" reimst du sehr viel (AABB) - probier bei deinen nächsten texten einfach mal weitere reimformen aus (ABAB / AAAA / -A-A, etc), oder auch mal gar keinen reim, das geht sehr gut und du bist freier beim schreiben!

gruß

 

[MiNoRiTy]

ja danke das merk ich mir

many thanks^^