hab mal nen text geschieben - A Guarded Life

[maads]

hi
ich bin neu im forum, ich bin auch nicht der super texter aber das ist mir heute früh so eingefallen.
ich würde mich freuen wenn sich das mal jemand anschaut und was dazu sagt, gerade was grammatik usw angeht kann ich bestimmt hilfe gebrauchen.

danke

A Guarded Life

1. Strophe

Growing up in a bourgeois house
Cared for by his awful mom
Do not perceived that he is her buffer
He is living there for all this time
And He´s never thought about to gone.
Doesn't perceive that he is suffer

A guarded life
A hidden chain
With annealed links
And apparent pain.

Chorus

Oh he is living in a soft cell (padded cell)
In a cushioned room without edges and peaks
There is no point to yell

2. Strophe

One night in his bed
He realized all the things
Who circled in his head
Make a plan to run away
He feels obsessed, belied, mad
There is no reason, no argument to stay

A guarded life
A hidden chain
With annealed links
And apparent pain.

 

[desgraca]

A Guarded Life

1. Strophe

Growing up in a bourgeois house
Cared for by his awful mom
Do not perceived that he is her buffer
does not notice he is her buffer
He is living there for all this time
he's been living there for all this time
And He´s never thought about to gone.
and he never thought of leaving
Doesn’t perceive that he is suffer
doesn't realize he's suffering.

A guarded life
A hidden chain
With annealed links
And apparent pain.

Chorus

Oh he is living in a soft cell (padded cell)
he lives
In a cushioned room without edges and peaks
There is no point to yell
point in yelling
2. Strophe

One night in his bed
He realized all the things
Who circled in his head
that circled in his head
Make a plan to run away
made
He feels obsessed, belied, mad
felt
There is no reason, no argument to stay

A guarded life
A hidden chain
With annealed links
And apparent pain.

 

[x-Riff]

Hi maads,

zur Sprache hat ja schon nate einiges gesagt.
Den Text selbst finde ich gut, auch in dieser Offenheit - es wird ja eher die Gesamtsituation angesprochen als dass sie konkret beschrieben wird.

Hier werden Musik und Gesang eine wichtige Rolle spielen, um die Gefühle und die Athmosphäre rüberzubringen.

Wenn Du Dich längerfristig mit dem Schreiben von Texten befassen willst, könnte ein Blick in den workshop lyrics hier auf dem Board sicher nicht schaden - den link findest Du in meiner Signatur.

Stell mal eine zweite Version Deines Textes hier rein.

Herzliche Grüße,

x-Riff

 

[maads]

habs mal so geändert wie es nate vorgeschlagen hat.

danke


A Guarded Life
1.Growing up in a bourgeois house
Cared for by his awful mom
Does not notice that he is her buffer
He´s been living there for all this time
And he never thought of leaving.
Doesn’t realize that he´s suffering

A guarded life
A hidden chain
With annealed links
And apparent pain.

Chorus . Oh he lives in a soft cell (padded cell)
In a cushioned room without edges and peaks
There is no point in yelling

2.One night in his bed
He realized all the things
that circled in his head
Made a plan to run away
He felt obsessed, belied, mad
There is no reason, no argument to stay

A guarded life
A hidden chain
With annealed links
And apparent pain.

 

[x-Riff]

Yu - find ich gut.