Shakiness

[Mr.Coany]

Hallo Leude ich schreib jetzt mal mein neuesten song einfach da rein und ihr sollt bidde mal a bisi was dazu sagen.
Hab leider noch keine Melodie aber ich würd liebend gern so nen song draus machen wie nirvana songs (ich weiß der texte ist nicht nirvanaesk , aber ich denke da lässt sich was machen)



Let me tell you 'bout my life, what I do and what I think:
I play guitar with blissfulness and I think that you all are jerks
When you talk I can't talk with 'cause I don't know 'bout what you talk!
So I sit there and drink my coke and think of writing my next song!

Ref.:
I can't talk what you talk,
I can't think what you think,
I can't read what you read,
I can't think what you think,
'cause I'm a real other man.

"Can you help me?" "No I can't" but I thought, that you were my friend,
Are you real a friend of mine, then help me to come through you're mind.
If I can't talk what you talk then I must say that I am wrong.
But I can't say I am wrong 'cause I am only 'n other man.

Ref.

Then you come to ring my bell and say "hey would you come to me?"
Why should I do that for you, if you can't even do for me?
I always have to go along and you don't make things for me.
So why should I do that for you, if you can't even do for me?

Ref.

If i sit an write a song, I can write lines that I couldn't say,
But if you don't like my song, why should I like your few weight?
So I only can stand up and say "Step off an go away from me"
But you do that not for me, 'cause you're think that you are my friend.

Ref.

 

[Mr.Coany]

könntet ihr den ned mal kommentieren?

 

[x-Riff]

Etwas Geduld sollte man schon mitbringen ...

 

[Jay-P]

Oki, dann fang ich mal an...

Let me tell you 'bout my life, what I do and what I think:
I play guitar with blissfulness and I think that you all are jerks
When you talk I can't talk with you 'cause I don't know 'bout what you talk! Besser wäre "I don't understand"
So I sit I'm sitting there and drink my coke and think of writing my next song! Vllt wäre sowas wie "consider writing my next song" besser, da "think" schon so oft vorkommt.

Ref.:
I can't talk about what you talk about,
I can't think what you think,
I can't read what you read,
I can't think what you think,
'cause I'm a real other man. Bin nicht sicher ob das Sinn macht, ich denke, "I'm really another man" wäre besser.

"Can you help me?" "No I can't" but I thought, that you were my friend,
Are you real a friend of mine, then help me to come through you're mind. Besser wäre "If you really are my friend, let me conceive whats on your mind".
If I can't talk what you talk I must say that I am wrong. Besser wäre "If I'm really unable to understand what you talk about, I'm bound to say I'm wrong"
But I can't say I am wrong 'cause I am only 'n other man. Das"only" müsste vor das "'cause".

Ref.

Then you come to würde ich weglassen ring my bell and say "hey would you come (to) with me?"
Why should I do that for you, if you can't even do for me? Das "even" muss vor das "can't".
I always have to go along and you don't make things for me. Besser wäre zB "I always have to obey, but you just ignore what I request".
So why should I do that for you, if you can't even do it oder something for me?

Ref.

If i sit an write a song, I can write lines that I couldn't say, Besser wäre zB "If I'm sitting and writing a song, I can express what I'm not able to say".
But if you don't like my song, why should I like your few weight? Was meinst du damit?
So I can only stand up and say "Step off an go away from me" Besser wäre zB "Rise and go away".
But you do that not for me, 'cause you're think that you are my frien d. Sind einige Fehler drin, besser wäre "But you don't do that for me, because you think, you're my friend".

Ref.

So, ich hoffe, dass das Gnaze noch recht übersichtlich ist, trotz dem vielen Rot. Falls ich irgendwo falsch liege, bitte ich um Verbesserung. Zum Inhalt des Textes muss ich sagen, dass das ganze irgendwie ein bisschen ausgedehnt ist und du dich oft wiederholst, auch würde ich an deiner Stelle öfters mal im Wörterbuch nachschauen, wenn dir keine anderen Formulierungen einfallen, das macht das Ganze abwechslungsreicher.
So, dann wünsche ich dir und allen anderen noch frohe Ostern.

Jay-P

 

[Mr.Coany]

danke

 

[Mr.Coany]

mit few weight mein ich das wenige gewicht mit dem manche "angeben"

 

[Jay-P]

Also das körperliche, oder? Aber irgendwie ist das ein bisschen zusammenhangslos finde ich, vllt solltest du dir was anderes überlegen.

Jay-P

 

[Mr.Coany]

jo ich überleg mir mal was wenn mir was einfällt, dann schreib ichs

 

[x-Riff]

Yo - geh mal drüber und stell die neue Version rein.

 

[wilbour-cobb]

der ganze satzbau im text ist nicht so schmuck, da solltest du nochmal dran feilen. "that" ist nicht die übersetzung für ",dass" - diese konstruktion gibt es im englischen nicht. ich habe dir nochmal ein paar kleine korrekturen reingeschrieben, vielleicht hilft dir das noch beim überarbeiten. Jay-P hat dir viele sätze korrigiert, in denen die wortwahl nicht optimal, aber schon ok ist. so viel muss garnicht verbessert werden, kümmer dich lieber um den satzbau, weniger um die vokabeln, wobei seine verbsserungen den text schon eleganter wirken lassen. drei mal "talkt" in einem satz kommt schon etwas "langweilig"


Zitat von nirvana94

Let me tell you 'bout my life, what I do and what I think:
I play guitar with blissfulness and I think that you all are jerks
"...all of you are jerks" - ohne das "that"
When you talk I can't talk with you 'cause I don't know 'bout what you talk! Besser wäre "I don't understand"
So I sit I'm sitting there and drink my coke and think of writing my next song! Vllt wäre sowas wie "consider writing my next song" besser, da "think" schon so oft vorkommt.

Ref.:
I can't talk about what you talk about,
I can't think what you think,
I can't read what you read,
I can't think what you think,
'cause I'm a real other man. Bin nicht sicher ob das Sinn macht, ich denke, "I'm really another man" wäre besser.

"Can you help me?" "No I can't" but I thought, that you were my friend,
auch hier das "that" raus
Are you real a friend of mine, then help me to come through you're mind. Besser wäre "If you really are my friend, let me conceive whats on your mind".
If I can't talk what you talk I must say that I am wrong. Besser wäre "If I'm really unable to understand what you talk about, I'm bound to say I'm wrong"
But I can't say I am wrong 'cause I am only 'n other man. Das"only" müsste vor das "'cause".
das ändert dann aber den sinn, ich würde es so lassen.

Ref.

Then you come to würde ich weglassen ring my bell and say "hey would you come (to) with me?"
Why should I do that for you, if you can't even do for me? Das "even" muss vor das "can't". und es fehlt ein subjekt, "it" oder so...
I always have to go along and you don't make things for me. Besser wäre zB "I always have to obey, but you just ignore what I request".
So why should I do that for you, if you can't even do it oder something for me?
"that" durch "it" besser ersetzen

Ref.

If i sit an write a song, I can write lines that I couldn't say, Besser wäre zB "If I'm sitting and writing a song, I can express what I'm not able to say".
But if you don't like my song, why should I like your few weight? Was meinst du damit?
So I can only stand up and say "Step off an go away from me" Besser wäre zB "Rise and go away".
But you do that not for me, 'cause you're think that you are my frien d. Sind einige Fehler drin, besser wäre "But you don't do that for me, because you think, you're my friend".

Ref.