Sympathy(Demo)

[Keithrichards]

Verse 1:
I need time to cross the river of mine
I throw it all back to you
Your love
That I ever have deserved
Breaking into pieces
Falling in the deepest side of mine
Till the pain is forgotten

Chorus:
What I need is sympathy
A little hand clap on my bag
The time will show where I am
I never should be unsure
‘Cause I know I will make it through the day
It doesn’t matter what hits me
If I ever feel disappointed
I come in your way to show you
How love could be

Verse 2:
What’s in my eyes?
Is it you?
Me and you
The devil is playing tumblin’ dice
While the Lord don’t notice
The drab monotony of everyday life
Is becoming my home
You never see what love means

War sehr spontan ich hatte den Text bereits auf der Zunge .Der muss noch bearbeitet werden,bisher ist das rausgekommen.^^

 

[wilbour-cobb]

leider muss ich bei deinem text erstmal ein bisschen meckern. spontan ist gut, aber du solltest schon nachgucken, wenn du dir nicht sicher bist, was bedeutet ein wort. "bag" ist eine "tüte", "back" ist dein rücken. solche fehler sind völlig überflüssig und nehmen deinem text völlig die ernsthafitgkeit.


I need time to cross the river of mine
"mine" ist "meins", "river of myself" würde aber auch keinen sinn machen. hier musst du sowas nehmen wie, "the river that I am".zur not könnest du das noch als eigename durchgehen lassen, verstehen würde das aber keiner....
I throw it all back to you
Your love
That I ever have deserved
Breaking into pieces
Falling in the deepest side of mine
"..of me"
Till the pain is forgotten

Chorus:
What I need is sympathy
A little hand clap on my bag
"back", man würde auch eher "slap on the back" sagen, nicht "clap"
The time will show where I am
ist etwas seltsam, "das wird sich zeigen" wäre eher "that remains to be seen". "time" auch immer ohne artikel
I never should be unsure
‘Cause I know I will make it through the day
It doesn’t matter what hits me
"...what is hitting me"
If I ever feel disappointed
I come in your way to show you
if clause zwingt dich zu will future im diesem satz "I will come to your..." wobei "come to your way" keinen wirklichen sinn macht, was willst du damit sagen?
How love could be

Verse 2:
What’s in my eyes?
das meint "ich habe etwas (ein objekt) im auge", also ein sandkorn oder so....im englischen sagt man "to have in mind"
Is it you?
Me and you
The devil is playing tumblin’ dice
While the Lord don’t notice
"doesn't" - das sollte man wirklich können, wenn man englische texte schrieben will
The drab monotony of everyday life
Is becoming my home
You never see what love means
"never" zwingt dich zun einer anderen zeit, da es ja einen allgemeinen zustand beschriebt. will future wäre hier angebracht

ich würde sagen, mal ran an die arbeit...! da sind noch einige sachen, die du verbessern soltlest, und wie schon oben geschrieben, viele deiner englisch-fehler sind eigentlich total vermeidbar, da dein englisch eigentlich recht gut ist.

 

[Keithrichards]

Argh.....oh man die Fehler waren echt dumm besonders als halb native ist mir das was peinlich^^.

 

[Keithrichards]

So hab was dran gearbeitet und noch zusätzlich was mit eingebracht.Der neue Titel ist jetzt Rising Sun.


Rising Sun

Verse 1:

I need time to cross the river
I throw it all back to you
Your love
That I ever have deserved
Breaking into pieces
Falling in the deepest side of me
Till the pain is forgotten

Chorus:

What I need is sympathy
A hand slap on the back
Sometimes there are times and it’s feels like
That I am somebody else
I never should be unsure
‘cause I know I will make it through the day
It doesn’t matter what‘s hitting me
If I ever feel disappointed
I come to you to talk with you
Solving the problems and every day
Is like a rising sun

Verse 2:

What I have in my mind?
Is it you?
Me and you
But that’s all over now
The devil is playing tumblin’ dice
While the Lord doesn’t notice
The drab monotony of everyday life
Is becoming my home
You will never see what love means to me

Break:

I can say what I want
But that isn’t necessary
Love is not the end of my life
I have friends
I have time
I will have some one in my arms

1x Chorus

Verse 3:

That’s the story
As you see
Having butterflies in the stomach
Learning and listening
They teaching me but
All those are lies

Break 2:

I not cry for love
I not die for you
I will come together
With a girl someday

1x Chorus

 

[Keithrichards]

Könnt jemand nochmal rüber schauen, plz?

 

[x-Riff]

Hi - bin kein native und gehe jetzt mal davon aus, dass Du die Verbesserungen von wilbour-cobb beherzigt und eingebaut hast:

Rising Sun

Verse 1:

I need time to cross the river
I throw it all back to you
Your love
That I ever have deserved
Breaking into pieces
Falling in the deepest side of me
Till the pain is forgotten

Chorus:

What I need is sympathy
A hand slap on the back
Sometimes there are times and it's feels like
it feels like
That I am somebody else
that würde ich weglassen
I never should be unsure
alternativ: I should not be unshure
'cause I know I will make it through the day
It doesn't matter what's hitting me
If I ever feel disappointed
Ich würde hier when nehmen oder each time, es sei denn Du meinst tatsächlich: falls ich mich jemals enttäuscht fühlen würde - aber dann musst Du den Konjunktiv auch grammatikalisch weiterführen mit: I will come to talk with you - das finde ich aber eher umständlich
I come to you to talk with you
Solving the problems and every day
Is like a rising sun

Verse 2:

What I have in my mind?
What do I have in mind?
Is it you?
Me and you
But that's all over now
The devil is playing tumblin' dice
While the Lord doesn't notice
alternativ: and the Lord doesn´t seem to notice
The drab monotony of everyday life
Is becoming my home
You will never see what love means to me

Break:

I can say what I want
But that isn't necessary
Love is not the end of my life
I have friends
I have time
I will have some one in my arms
someone, imho

1x Chorus

Verse 3:

That's the story
As you see
Having butterflies in the stomach
Learning and listening
They teaching me but
they are teaching
All those are lies

Break 2:

I not cry for love
I do not / don´t
I not die for you
I do not / don´t
I will come together
With a girl someday

1x Chorus

Also grammatikalisch waren noch ein paar Schnitzer drin.
Du solltest auch noch mal sorgfältig die Zeiten durchgehen - die Jetzt-Zeit ist die, wo Ihr schon auseinander seid.

x-Riff

 

[Keithrichards]

So bin nochmal dran gegangen,aber soviel gab es auch nicht zu verbessern,hier und da habe ich kleine Feinheiten eingesetzt.Ansonsten habe ich noch die Zeiten was verändert. Also wenn ihr noch Ideen habt nur her damit,ich bin sehr dankbar für eure Hilfe .


Rising Sun

Verse 1:

I needed time to cross the river
I threw it all back to you
Your love
That I ever have deserved
Breaking into pieces
Falling in the deepest side of me
Till the pain was forgot

Chorus:

What I need is sympathy
A hand slap on the back
Sometimes there are times and it feels like
I am somebody else

I should not be unsure
‘cause I know I will make it through the day
It doesn’t matter what‘s hitting me

When I ever feel disappointed
I come to you to talk with you
Solving the problems and every day
Is like a rising sun

Verse 2:

What do I have in my mind?
Is it you?
Me and you
But that’s all over now
The devil is playing tumblin’ dice
And the Lord doesn’t seem to notice

The drab monotony of everyday life
Is becoming my home
You will never see what love means to me

Break:

I can say what I want
But that isn’t necessary
Love is not the end of my life
I have friends
I have time
I will have someone in my arms

1x Chorus

Verse 3:

Having butterflies in the stomach
Learning and listening
They are teaching me but
All those are lies

Feeling so good and sad sometimes
But that’s only for a while

Break 2:

I do not cry for love
I do not die for you
I will come together
With somebody
Someday

 

[x-Riff]

Rising Sun

Verse 1:

I needed time to cross the river
I threw it all back to you
Your love
That I ever have deserved
Breaking into pieces
Falling in the deepest side of me
Till the pain was forgot
was forgotten

Chorus:

What I need is sympathy
A hand slap on the back
Sometimes there are times and it feels like
I am somebody else

I should not be unsure
'cause I know I will make it through the day
It doesn't matter what's hitting me

When I ever feel disappointed
I come to you to talk with you
Solving the problems and every day
Is like a rising sun

Verse 2:

What do I have in my mind?
Is it you?
Me and you
But that's all over now
The devil is playing tumblin' dice
And the Lord doesn't seem to notice

The drab monotony of everyday life
Is becoming my home
You will never see what love means to me

Break:

I can say what I want
But that isn't necessary
Love is not the end of my life
I have friends
I have time
I will have someone in my arms

1x Chorus

Verse 3:

Having butterflies in the stomach
Learning and listening
They are teaching me but
All those are lies

Feeling so good and sad sometimes
But that's only for a while

Break 2:

I do not cry for love
I do not die for you
I will come together
With somebody
Someday

 

[Keithrichards]

Ok soweit fertig,fällt euch noch was ein was man ändern sollte?Oder ist der Text soweit,seine eigene Melodie zufinden?An sich gibts immer was auszusetzen,aber wenn ich mir den Text so anschaue,ist der doch eigentlich so gut wie fertig.