Erster Eigener Text

Yukinoyo
Yukinoyo
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Zuletzt hier
02.09.23
Registriert
17.01.20
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Hallo Liebe Leute ich hab mich mal an meinem ersten Text versucht würde mich über Kritik freuen . Grüße !



Chorus1:
I'm done with digging that hole
feelings are crumbling and I don't want to show
I have to be strong and keep up the fight
but what if I just end it right here (this night)
Ref:
No reason to live no reason to fight
my mind is shatterd like a glas columns light
the shadows have taken over and wont let me go
there is so much pain and hatered inside me that I won't show
Chorus2:
Everyday the same mistake did I just woke up
to suffer , cry , hate and doing that job ?
Is this the goal I have to chase ?
Or do I just snoke some Haze and end the PAIN ?!
Ref:
No reason to live no reason to fight
my mind is shatterd like a glas columns light
the shadows have taken over and wont let me go
there is so much pain and hatered inside me I can't show
Chorus 3:
Let me go let me release myslef from all this shit
I'm sitting here thinking I'm writing a hit.
The reality is I will never achieve a bit
and all I can say that THIS IS IT !
Ref:
No reason to live no reason to fight
my mind is shatterd like a glas columns light
the shadows have taken over and wont let me go
there is so much pain and hatered inside me I can't show
Bridge:
People trying to show me the bride side of life
all I can see is darkness and something evil within (like Jekyl and Hide)
Breathin in hoping I won't breathe out
my lungs are crashing my head explodes
all I want to see now is the devil for real
But I know thers neither heaven or hell .
Ref:
No reason to live no reason to fight
my mind is shatterd like a glas columns light
the shadows have taken over and wont let me go
there is so much pain and hatered inside me I can't show
 
Eigenschaft
 
Ich würde ein paar Sätze kürzen, bzw. In zwei kleine aufteilen und ins Präsens setzen.
Die Sätze sind für die etwas depressive oder frustrierte Stimmung für meinen Geschmack zu lang, zu gut ausformuliert.
Kürzere Parataxen, denke ich, geben besser die kräfteraubende Situation wieder, und lassen sich einfacher vertonen.

Also nur an Stil feilen. Der Inhalt kommt für mich ansonsten gut rüber.

Meine 3 Cents Input.
 
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