My Uncle is Your Dead!

[SzimiDude]

Hallo Community,
ein Bandkollege hat einen Text geschreiben, aber ich wollte mal fragen, ob das alles so mit der Grammatik stimmt.
Wäre nett wenn ihr mir helfen könntet

Hier nun der Text:

Vers 1:

talk to me, talk to me, give me a noise
the only thing i want to hear is your voice
so tell me something i want to hear
so bring us two far away from here

come on let's go that's not the right place to talk,
come leT's do it,why we don`t have a walk?
you seem to be very nervous,nearly freaking out,
the last step isn't far away so let it out


Refrain:

silence is the only thing i hear when we are alone,
silence is that i can't stand all day long,
if you dont talk you will get alone,
and then u notice you did something wrong


Vers 2:

i cant stand that silence around here we got,
i would be so happy if you talk now,
just a bit it doesn't have to be a lot,
so come on ,give it to me give it to me right now.


what happened in the past,you wouldnt tell it to me,
well somehow i will know it some time anyway,
but i always ask myself,what she did or who she is,
i dont know her long , but she's the only thing i miss.


Bridge:

she called saying things to me she never said before,
"let's meet at five on the bridge,ihave to tell you something more",
i went to the bridge with a good feeling,ready for something new,
so she told me that things that i never knew.

"i like you very much but i have a secret,you should know.
i don't know how to tell you than it's very sad"
then she said something i will never forget
"my uncle is your dad"

Refrain 2:

we never met again,i wouldnt even like to.
i never saw her before,and never again.
i liked this girl so much,kissed her one time or two.
but now i just want to never see her again.

 

[rumbaclave]

"Mein Onkel ist dein tot"?

Wenn schon, dann "My Uncle is your death", dann heißt es Tod statt tot.


mfg

 

[SzimiDude]

Ne hab mich inner Überschrift vertippt, aber man kann sie nichtmehr ändern.
Heißt: "My Uncle ist Your Dad!"

 

[züborch]

zum (d)englisch sach ich mal nix, da bin ich auch nicht allwissend.
aber zur story:

insgesamt ne nette idee, aber die auflösung kapier ich nicht. is ja nicht die schwester=inzest, sondern 'nur' die cousine? und da ja kein besonders enges verhältnis besteht (sonst würde man sich ja kennen... was eigentlich auch schon sehr konstruiert daher kommt) und sogar eine Ehe mWn unter diesem verwandtschaftsgrad nach dt. Gesezt erlaubt ist, erschließt sich bei mir die schock-situation nicht so ganz..
generell zum aufbau ist zu sagen, das du erst in der gegenwart bist, dann in der aktuellen vergangenheit und dann eine länger vergangene zeit in der retrospektive betrachtest.. hatte mich ein wenig irritiert.. stilistisch (abgesehen von kleineren sprachmängeln) find ich die gegenwarts-strophen besser..
ausserdem dauerts ziemlich lange nachdem der konflikt in der beziehung (schweigen) schon längst klar ist, bis mal wieder was passiert, und dann gehts aber recht zackig zu ende..
und das ist, wie oben gesagt, noch nicht so ganz glaubwürdig...

EDIT: fand den sprach-scherz ganz lustig, leider wars nur ein versehen und hat nichts mit dem text zu tun..

 

[wilbour-cobb]

talk to me, talk to me, give me a noise
the only thing i want to hear is your voice
so tell me something i want to hear
so bring us two far away from here

come on let's go that's not the right place to talk,
come leT's do it,why we don`t have a walk?
"why don't we have a walk?"
you seem to be very nervous,nearly freaking out,
besser: "close to freaking out"
the last step isn't far away so let it out


Refrain:

silence is the only thing i hear when we are alone,
silence is that i can't stand all day long,
"silence all day long is what I can't stand", das "all day long" bezieht sich am ende des satzes auf das "silence", also, du magst kein schweigen, und zwar magst du das den ganzen lang nicht. In meiner Version bezieht es sich auf das Schweigen in dem Sinne: "Ich mag es nicht, wenn den ganzen Tag geschwiegen wird."
Wenn das "long" am satzende stehenbleiben soll, vielleicht sowas wie: "I hate you beeing silent all day long"?
if you dont talk you will get alone,
"get" geht nicht, "be" oder "stay" oder so
and then u notice you did something wrong


Vers 2:

i cant stand that silence around here we got,
I cant' stand the silence around us", oder "I can't stand the silence surrounding us" oder so, was du hast geht nicht.
i would be so happy if you talk now,
"...if you start talking now" - falsche Zeit
just a bit it doesn't have to be a lot,
so come on ,give it to me give it to me right now.


what happened in the past, you wouldnt tell it to me,
well somehow i will know it some time anyway,
besser "will know it one day anyway"
but i always ask myself,what she did or who she is,
i dont know her long , but she's the only thing i miss.
"I don't know her for long..."


Bridge:

she called saying things to me she never said before,
"let's meet at five on the bridge,i have to tell you something more",
"some more", "something" geht nicht, höchstens mit "something new" oder so.
i went to the bridge with a good feeling,ready for something new,
so she told me that things that i never knew.
"She told me things which I never knew"

"i like you very much but i have a secret you should know.
i don't know how to tell you than it's very sad"
ohne "than"
then she said something i will never forget
"...I never will forget"
"my uncle is your dad"

Refrain 2:

we never met again,i wouldnt even like to.
i never saw her before,and never again.
Wieso hast du sie nie gesehen, ist doch keine 5 minuten her da an der brücke. der satz macht keinen sinn"
i liked this girl so much,kissed her one time or two.
"the girl"
but now i just want to never see her again.
"but know I never want to see her again"

 

[SzimiDude]

Vielen Dank.

 

[züborch]

but now i just want to never see her again.
"but know I never want to see her again"

!!now!!

 

[wilbour-cobb]

!!now!!

Pfeartippt......