2 texte von mir

von Da_Massl, 22.11.07.

  1. Da_Massl

    Da_Massl Registrierter Benutzer

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    Erstellt: 22.11.07   #1
    So hier nun die ersten beiden, von drei texten, die als so was wie ein schauspiel zu verstehen sind ^^ Viel spass beim lesen und ich wäre dankbar für feedback ;)

    teenage poetry, first act.

    I hear you weep
    I feel you're hurt
    through this door
    you closed in front of me

    I miss you,
    but i shouldn't

    And now you sketch
    the edges of our love
    with the infirmness
    we both showed way to much.

    but I know
    our story isn't over
    no it isn't over yet.

    barely I exspect
    that you still love me
    for you affirmed it,
    you affirmed too many times.

    I miss you,
    but I couldn't

    for now you sketch
    the edges of our love
    with the cogency
    wich is given to you, way to much

    teenage poetry
    teenage poetry
    is worth a whole life
    or less.


    Teenage Poetry, second act.

    Following the path that you lead,
    I still see all the things, that first seemed to be so clear.
    But now it's nothing more than shadows in here,
    forming constant memories of the time we had.

    Why it must be that hard
    to break with the ones I know, especially you.
    I still try to distract from you, what else can I do?
    What would you do if you lose your biggest part?

    To often I tried to describe myself
    but everytime I come to the discernment I'm not
    able to draw a straight line around the things I got.
    It's way easier to destroy my mind, then my health.

    Still I fear this loss inside. (Stupid and meaningless teenage pride)
    Just before the day we parted I missed what you've been to me. (I told myself to long that everythings ok)
    Why this eyes, even now shining so bright, can be too blind to see? (They love so periodically)
    But I won't regret the things I've done or denied. (No, I'm tired. Just tired of fighting.)

    Sometimes i want to spread
    this tattered wings, but I ran away way to much.
    No, It's not worthy anymore now that I'm out of touch
    but i wont beg you to come back.

    But deep inside I know I'll do.
    I'll get back in this run down shoes, get back on the street.
    I fear I'll be pulled back to you by my neverending creed.
    (Finally I understood that I'm not your life,)
    but I concern my life is you.

    Still I fear this loss inside. (But it isn't worth to hide)
    Just before the day we parted I missed what you've been to me. (Still telling myself, everything's ok)
    Why this eyes, even now shining so bright, can be too blind to see? (They lie so periodically)
    But I won't regret the things I've said or denied. (No, I'm tired. Just tired of hiding.)

    teenage poetry
    teenage poetry
    is worth a whole life
    or less.


    sind nur rohversionen bisher, also entschuldigt bitte das schlechte englisch.
     
  2. bass-baer

    bass-baer Registrierter Benutzer

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    Erstellt: 28.11.07   #2
    teenage poetry, first act.

    I hear you weep
    I feel you're hurt
    through this door
    you've closed in front of me

    How I miss you,
    but i shouldn't

    And now you sketch
    the edges of our love
    with the (infirmness) frailty
    we both showed way to much.

    but I know
    our story isn't over
    no it isn't over yet.

    (barely) hardly I expect
    that you still love me
    for you (affirmed) assured (it) me,
    you (affirmed) assured me too many times.

    I will miss you,
    but I couldn't

    for now you sketch
    the edges of our love
    with the (cogency) significance
    which is given to you, way to much

    teenage poetry
    teenage poetry
    is worth a whole life
    or less.


    Teenage Poetry, second act.

    Following the path (that) you lead,
    (I still see all the things, that first seemed to be so clear.)
    I still can see what seamed at first to be so clear.
    (But now it's nothing more than shadows in here,)
    but now there's no more than shadows in here,
    (forming constant) making lasting memories of the time we've had.

    (Why it must be that hard)
    Why does it have to be that hard
    to (break) split with the ones I know, especially you.
    I still try to distract myself from you, what else can I do?
    What would you do if you would lose (your) the biggest part of you?

    Too often I tried to (describe) picture it to myself
    but everytime I come to the (discernment) insight
    I'm not able to draw a straight line around (the things I got) my belongings.
    It's way easier to destroy my mind, then my health.

    Still I fear this loss inside.
    inside I still fear this loss
    (Stupid and meaningless teenage pride)
    Just before the day we parted, I missed what you've been to me.
    (I told myself to long that everything is ok)
    Why are this eyes, that even now are shining so bright,
    can be too blind to see? (They love so (periodically) regular)
    But I won't regret the things I've done or denied.
    (No, I'm tired. Just tired of fighting.)

    Sometimes I want to spread
    this (tattered) shattered wings, but I ran away way to (much) often.
    No, It's not worthy anymore now that I'm out of touch
    No, it ain't worth it anymore, now that I'm out of touch
    but I wont beg you to come back.

    But deep inside I know I'll do.
    I'll get back in this (run down) worn out shoes and get back on the street.
    I fear I'll be (pulled) drawn back to you by my never ending (creed) belief.
    (Finally I understood that I'm not your life,)
    but I (concern) recognize my life is (you) yours.

    Still I fear this loss inside.
    inside I still fear this loss
    (But it isn't worth to hide)
    Just before the day we parted I missed what you've been to me.
    (Still telling myself, everything's ok)
    Why are this eyes, that even now are shining so bright,
    can be too blind to see? (They lie so (periodically) regular )
    But I won't regret the things I've said or denied.
    (No, I'm tired. Just tired of hiding.)

    teenage poetry
    teenage poetry
    is worth a whole life
    or less.



    Grüße Bass Baer
     
  3. desgraca

    desgraca Registrierter Benutzer

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    Erstellt: 28.11.07   #3
    also ich bin grad ernsthaft zu faul, mir einzeln rauszusuchen, was mein vorposter wo genau verbessert hat, aber da das, was dabei rauskam, auch noch nich sprachlich richtig ist, bezieh ich mich nu einfach auf den ausgangstext..


    teenage poetry, first act.

    I hear you weep
    I feel you're hurt
    through this door
    you closed in front of me

    I miss you,
    but i shouldn't

    And now you sketch
    the edges of our love
    with the infirmness
    insecurity oder uncertainty
    we both showed way to much.

    but I know
    our story isn't over
    no it isn't over yet.

    barely I exspect
    expected
    besser, "i hardly expect", wie denke ich auch in posting2 stand,,,,,allerdings passt die strophe allgemein nicht zusammen, und ich müsste da erstmal wissen, was du auf deutsch sagen willst, um es richtig zu stöpseln "ich habe nicht erwartet, dass du mich noch liebst, weil du es mir dauernd bestätigt hast (dass du mich noch liebst)" ...kann ja nich passen?
    that you still love me
    you'd
    for you affirmed it,
    you affirmed too many times.

    I miss you,
    but I couldn't
    was konntest du nicht?

    for now you sketch
    the edges of our love
    with the cogency
    preciseness oder sowas meinst du vermutlich
    wich is given to you, way to much
    of which you have been given way too much

    teenage poetry
    teenage poetry
    is worth a whole life
    or less.
    auch das erschließt sich mir nich wirklich




    teil 2 :


    Teenage Poetry, second act.

    Following the path that you lead,
    I still see all the things, that first seemed to be so clear.
    that seemed to be so clear in the beginning
    But now it's nothing more than shadows in here,
    but now there's nothing
    forming constant memories of the time we had.

    Why it must be that hard
    why does it have to be so hard
    to break with the ones I know, especially you.
    I still try to distract from you, what else can I do?
    distract myself you
    What would you do if you lose your biggest part?
    if you lost the biggest part of you

    To often I tried to describe myself
    too
    but everytime I come to the discernment I'm not
    able to draw a straight line around the things I got.
    bidde deutsche übersetzung, da werd ich nich schlau draus
    It's way easier to destroy my mind, then my health.

    Still I fear this loss inside. (Stupid and meaningless teenage pride)
    Just before the day we parted I missed what you've been to me. (I told myself for too long that everythings ok)
    until the day we parted
    Why this eyes, even now shining so bright, can be too blind to see? (They love so periodically)
    why can these eyes that even now are shining so bright, be too blind to see?
    But I won't regret the things I've done or denied. (No, I'm tired. Just tired of fighting.)

    Sometimes i want to spread
    this tattered wings, but I ran away way too much.
    these tattered wings
    No, It's not worthy anymore now that I'm out of touch
    worth
    but i wont beg you to come back.

    But deep inside I know I'll do.
    i know i will
    I'll get back in this run down shoes, get back on the street.
    I fear I'll be pulled back to you by my neverending creed.
    eternal creed
    (Finally I understood that I'm not your life,)
    but I concern my life is you.
    übersetzung, please

    Still I fear this loss inside. (But it isn't worth to hide)
    Just before the day we parted I missed what you've been to me. (Still telling myself, everything's ok)
    Why this eyes, even now shining so bright, can be too blind to see? (They lie so periodically)
    But I won't regret the things I've said or denied. (No, I'm tired. Just tired of hiding.)

    teenage poetry
    teenage poetry
    is worth a whole life
    or less.




    aaaalso ,,,,,so wie ich das sehe hast du ne menge ideen, vorallem für "part II", aber eigentlich eher zu viele....da geht ein gedanke ohne erkenntliche überleitung in den nächsten über,,,,ich würde sagen, weniger ist da mehr....
    für meinen geschmack sind das für ein eigentlich einfaches thema auch viel zu viele komplizierte (=unschöne) wörter,,,zumal du dir da bei der verwendung noch sehr sehr unsicher bist.
     
  4. Da_Massl

    Da_Massl Threadersteller Registrierter Benutzer

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    Erstellt: 30.11.07   #4
    jo danke erstmal für die korrekturen und die meinungen dazu, ich arbeite dran ^^
     
  5. züborch

    züborch Registrierter Benutzer

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    Erstellt: 04.12.07   #5
    teenage poetry, first act.

    I hear you weep
    I feel you're hurt
    through this door
    you closed in front of me geht nich eigentlich auch "you closed on me"? man sagt ja auch "you walked out on me"

    I miss you,
    but i shouldn't

    And now you sketch
    the edges of our love
    with the infirmness
    insecurity oder uncertainty "changing heart" vllt.? und ohne 'the'
    we both showed way to much. showered wär witzig ;), sorry

    but I know
    our story isn't over
    no it isn't over yet.

    barely I exspect
    expected
    besser, "i hardly expect", wie denke ich auch in posting2 stand,,,,,allerdings passt die strophe allgemein nicht zusammen, und ich müsste da erstmal wissen, was du auf deutsch sagen willst, um es richtig zu stöpseln "ich habe nicht erwartet, dass du mich noch liebst, weil du es mir dauernd bestätigt hast (dass du mich noch liebst)" ...kann ja nich passen?
    that you still love me
    you'd
    for you affirmed it, lass das präzisieren, man verstehts auch ohne kompliziertes word, nimm "told"
    you affirmed too many times.

    I miss you,
    but I couldn't
    was konntest du nicht?

    for now you sketch
    the edges of our love
    with the cogency
    preciseness oder sowas meinst du vermutlich
    wich is given to you, way to much
    of which you have been given way too much
    was macht sie? kapier ich nich...

    teenage poetry
    teenage poetry
    is worth a whole life
    or less.
    auch das erschließt sich mir nich wirklich




    teil 2 :


    Teenage Poetry, second act.

    Following the path that you lead,
    I still see all the things, that first seemed to be so clear.
    that seemed to be so clear in the beginning
    But now it's nothing more than shadows in here,
    but now there's nothingoder 'nothing but shadows...'
    forming constant memories of the time we had. zu technisch formuliert, finde ich. das is keine poesie mehr

    Why it must be that hard
    why does it have to be so hard
    to break with the ones I know, especially you. du meinst doch eigentlich nur sie, bleib dabei:"to break with the one I know so well"
    I still try to distract from you, what else can I do?
    distract myself you
    What would you do if you lose your biggest part?
    if you lost the biggest part of you

    To often I tried to describe myself
    too
    but everytime I come to the discernment I'm not "discernment" ist schon wieder ein echtes gedicht-word.;) nimm doch lieber einfach 'deep insight'
    able to draw a straight line around the things I got.
    bidde deutsche übersetzung, da werd ich nich schlau draus
    er meint, er will seinen standpunkt klar machen und kann stellt dabei fest, dass er's nicht rüberbringen kann. oder?
    It's way easier to destroy my mind, then my health.

    Still I fear this loss inside. (Stupid and meaningless teenage pride)
    Just before the day we parted I missed what you've been to me. (I told myself for too long that everythings ok)
    until the day we parted
    Why this eyes, even now shining so bright, can be too blind to see? (They love so periodically)
    why can these eyes that even now are shining so bright, be too blind to see? öhm, seeeehr kitschig, die leuchtendeAugen-nummer :)
    But I won't regret the things I've done or denied. (No, I'm tired. Just tired of fighting.)

    Sometimes i want to spread
    this tattered wings, but I ran away way too much.
    these tattered wings
    No, It's not worthy anymore now that I'm out of touch
    worth
    but i wont beg you to come back.

    But deep inside I know I'll do.
    i know i will
    I'll get back in this run down shoes, get back on the street.
    I fear I'll be pulled back to you by my neverending creed.
    eternal creed
    (Finally I understood that I'm not your life,)
    but I concern my life is you.
    übersetzung, please

    Still I fear this loss inside. (But it isn't worth to hide)
    Just before the day we parted I missed what you've been to me. (Still telling myself, everything's ok)
    Why this eyes, even now shining so bright, can be too blind to see? (They lie so periodically)
    But I won't regret the things I've said or denied. (No, I'm tired. Just tired of hiding.)

    teenage poetry
    teenage poetry
    is worth a whole life
    or less.

    meine kleine meinung...
     
  6. desgraca

    desgraca Registrierter Benutzer

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    Erstellt: 04.12.07   #6
    I hear you weep
    I feel you're hurt
    through this door
    you closed in front of me geht nich eigentlich auch "you closed on me"? man sagt ja auch "you walked out on me"
    "to close the door on me" geht, ohne das "door" gehts nicht, und "walk out on somebody" ist ne feststehende redewendung

    I miss you,
    but i shouldn't

    And now you sketch
    the edges of our love
    with the infirmness
    insecurity oder uncertainty "changing heart" vllt.? und ohne 'the'
    das "the" passt. "the insecurity we both showed", braucht den artikel!
    we both showed way to much. showered wär witzig ;), sorry

    but I know
    our story isn't over
    no it isn't over yet.

    barely I exspect
    expected
    besser, "i hardly expect", wie denke ich auch in posting2 stand,,,,,allerdings passt die strophe allgemein nicht zusammen, und ich müsste da erstmal wissen, was du auf deutsch sagen willst, um es richtig zu stöpseln "ich habe nicht erwartet, dass du mich noch liebst, weil du es mir dauernd bestätigt hast (dass du mich noch liebst)" ...kann ja nich passen?
    that you still love me
    you'd
    for you affirmed it, lass das präzisieren, man verstehts auch ohne kompliziertes word, nimm "told"
    told geht hier nicht.
    you affirmed too many times.

    I miss you,
    but I couldn't
    was konntest du nicht?

    for now you sketch
    the edges of our love
    with the cogency
    preciseness oder sowas meinst du vermutlich
    wich is given to you, way to much
    of which you have been given way too much
    was macht sie? kapier ich nich...sie wurde mit viel zu viel von irgendwas geboren

    teenage poetry
    teenage poetry
    is worth a whole life
    or less.
    auch das erschließt sich mir nich wirklich




    teil 2 :


    Teenage Poetry, second act.

    Following the path that you lead,
    I still see all the things, that first seemed to be so clear.
    that seemed to be so clear in the beginning
    But now it's nothing more than shadows in here,
    but now there's nothingoder 'nothing but shadows...'
    forming constant memories of the time we had. zu technisch formuliert, finde ich. das is keine poesie mehr
    das fand ich eigentlich sehr gelungen

    Why it must be that hard
    why does it have to be so hard
    to break with the ones I know, especially you. du meinst doch eigentlich nur sie, bleib dabei:"to break with the one I know so well"
    I still try to distract from you, what else can I do?
    distract myself from you
    What would you do if you lose your biggest part?
    if you lost the biggest part of you

    To often I tried to describe myself
    too
    but everytime I come to the discernment I'm not "discernment" ist schon wieder ein echtes gedicht-word.;) nimm doch lieber einfach 'deep insight'
    able to draw a straight line around the things I got.
    bidde deutsche übersetzung, da werd ich nich schlau draus
    er meint, er will seinen standpunkt klar machen und kann stellt dabei fest, dass er's nicht rüberbringen kann. oder?
    ich weiß nich? :D
    It's way easier to destroy my mind, then my health.

    Still I fear this loss inside. (Stupid and meaningless teenage pride)
    Just before the day we parted I missed what you've been to me. (I told myself for too long that everythings ok)
    until the day we parted
    Why this eyes, even now shining so bright, can be too blind to see? (They love so periodically)
    why can these eyes that even now are shining so bright, be too blind to see? öhm, seeeehr kitschig, die leuchtendeAugen-nummer :)
    But I won't regret the things I've done or denied. (No, I'm tired. Just tired of fighting.)

    Sometimes i want to spread
    this tattered wings, but I ran away way too much.
    these tattered wings
    No, It's not worthy anymore now that I'm out of touch
    worth
    but i wont beg you to come back.

    But deep inside I know I'll do.
    i know i will
    I'll get back in this run down shoes, get back on the street.
    I fear I'll be pulled back to you by my neverending creed.
    eternal creed
    (Finally I understood that I'm not your life,)
    but I concern my life is you.
    übersetzung, please

    Still I fear this loss inside. (But it isn't worth to hide)
    Just before the day we parted I missed what you've been to me. (Still telling myself, everything's ok)
    Why this eyes, even now shining so bright, can be too blind to see? (They lie so periodically)
    But I won't regret the things I've said or denied. (No, I'm tired. Just tired of hiding.)

    teenage poetry
    teenage poetry
    is worth a whole life
    or less.
     
  7. züborch

    züborch Registrierter Benutzer

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    Erstellt: 04.12.07   #7
    I hear you weep
    I feel you're hurt
    through this door
    you closed in front of me geht nich eigentlich auch "you closed on me"? man sagt ja auch "you walked out on me"
    "to close the door on me" geht, ohne das "door" gehts nicht, und "walk out on somebody" ist ne feststehende redewendungwieder was gelernt :D

    I miss you,
    but i shouldn't

    And now you sketch
    the edges of our love
    with the infirmness
    insecurity oder uncertainty "changing heart" vllt.? und ohne 'the'
    das "the" passt. "the insecurity we both showed", braucht den artikel!ah ich dachte, das wäre ein neuer satz und daher wusste ich nicht auf was sich das bezieht
    we both showed way to much.

    but I know
    our story isn't over
    no it isn't over yet.

    barely I exspect
    expected
    besser, "i hardly expect", wie denke ich auch in posting2 stand,,,,,allerdings passt die strophe allgemein nicht zusammen, und ich müsste da erstmal wissen, was du auf deutsch sagen willst, um es richtig zu stöpseln "ich habe nicht erwartet, dass du mich noch liebst, weil du es mir dauernd bestätigt hast (dass du mich noch liebst)" ...kann ja nich passen?
    that you still love me
    you'd
    for you affirmed it, lass das präzisieren, man verstehts auch ohne kompliziertes word, nimm "told"
    told geht hier nicht.
    you affirmed too many times.
    echt nicht? "for you told me, you told me to many times" is doch trotzdem klar, dass sie unglaubwürdig geworden ist, weil sie ihm zu oft gesagt hat, das sie ihn immer noch liebt. ich finde das 'versichern' addiert inhaltlich nichts. imho

    I miss you,
    but I couldn't
    was konntest du nicht?

    for now you sketch
    the edges of our love
    with the cogency
    preciseness oder sowas meinst du vermutlich
    wich is given to you, way to much
    of which you have been given way too much
    was macht sie? kapier ich nich...sie wurde mit viel zu viel von irgendwas geboren

    teenage poetry
    teenage poetry
    is worth a whole life
    or less.
    auch das erschließt sich mir nich wirklich




    teil 2 :


    Teenage Poetry, second act.

    Following the path that you lead,
    I still see all the things, that first seemed to be so clear.
    that seemed to be so clear in the beginning
    But now it's nothing more than shadows in here,
    but now there's nothingoder 'nothing but shadows...'
    forming constant memories of the time we had. zu technisch formuliert, finde ich. das is keine poesie mehr
    das fand ich eigentlich sehr gelungenah ok, hätte gedacht, das würde man anders machen, um schmissig zu bleiben... zB constant finde ich überflüssig, da man wenn mans ohne constant hört, es nicht unbedingt inhaltlich und klanglich vermissen würde. das metrum ist natürlich wie immer ein geheimnis ;), dem könnte das natürlich nützen...

    Why it must be that hard
    why does it have to be so hard
    to break with the ones I know, especially you. du meinst doch eigentlich nur sie, bleib dabei:"to break with the one I know so well"
    I still try to distract from you, what else can I do?
    distract myself from you
    What would you do if you lose your biggest part?
    if you lost the biggest part of you

    To often I tried to describe myself
    too
    but everytime I come to the discernment I'm not "discernment" ist schon wieder ein echtes gedicht-word.;) nimm doch lieber einfach 'deep insight'
    able to draw a straight line around the things I got.
    bidde deutsche übersetzung, da werd ich nich schlau draus
    er meint, er will seinen standpunkt klar machen und kann stellt dabei fest, dass er's nicht rüberbringen kann. oder?
    ich weiß nich? :D
    It's way easier to destroy my mind, then my health.

    Still I fear this loss inside. (Stupid and meaningless teenage pride)
    Just before the day we parted I missed what you've been to me. (I told myself for too long that everythings ok)
    until the day we parted
    Why this eyes, even now shining so bright, can be too blind to see? (They love so periodically)
    why can these eyes that even now are shining so bright, be too blind to see? öhm, seeeehr kitschig, die leuchtendeAugen-nummer :)
    But I won't regret the things I've done or denied. (No, I'm tired. Just tired of fighting.)

    Sometimes i want to spread
    this tattered wings, but I ran away way too much.
    these tattered wings
    No, It's not worthy anymore now that I'm out of touch
    worth
    but i wont beg you to come back.

    But deep inside I know I'll do.
    i know i will
    I'll get back in this run down shoes, get back on the street.
    I fear I'll be pulled back to you by my neverending creed.
    eternal creed
    (Finally I understood that I'm not your life,)
    but I concern my life is you.
    übersetzung, please

    Still I fear this loss inside. (But it isn't worth to hide)
    Just before the day we parted I missed what you've been to me. (Still telling myself, everything's ok)
    Why this eyes, even now shining so bright, can be too blind to see? (They lie so periodically)
    But I won't regret the things I've said or denied. (No, I'm tired. Just tired of hiding.)

    teenage poetry
    teenage poetry
    is worth a whole life
    or less.
     
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