Englischer Songtext wünsch kritisiert zuwerden! Helft ihm!

[middy]

Hallo!

Haben uns heut mal zusammen gesetzt und etwas geschrieben, ist zwar noch nicht fertig aber das grobe Gerüst steht. Bei der 2. Strophe fehlen noch 2 Zeilen.
Was haltet ihr davon?

1. Strophe:
Somewhere in Nevada | with fuck uped shoes.
My only thought is | every thing is lose.
The sun burns on my body | I feel so sick.
The last thing I’ve seen / was a heavy brick

Refrain:
I’m going down the dirty street | looking to all that’s in my range.
Losing stand under my feet | it sees the place is really strange.
I’m going down the dirty street | looking to all that’s in my range.
Losing stand under my feet | it sees the place is really strange.


2. Strophe:
So I walk alone | on this empty road
All cause of this one thing | they ever known.
....
....

3. Strophe:
I never catched the reason | they always note.
Therefore they had to kick me | out of the boat.
And that’s only cause of | I shagged the Kate.
So every piece of them | is full with hate.



Danke für eure Hilfe. Vieleicht fällt euch ja auch noch was ein zur 2. Strophe

 

[desgraca]

1. Strophe:
Somewhere in Nevada | with fuck uped shoes.
fucked up
My only thought is | every thing is lose.
lost....oder loose
The sun burns on my body | I feel so sick.
The last thing I’ve seen / was a heavy brick
i'd seen

Refrain:
I’m going down the dirty street | looking to all that’s in my range.
entweder looking at everything in my range
oder looking at everyone in my range
je nachdem, was du sagen wolltest..
Losing stand under my feet | it sees the place is really strange.
losing the ground under my feet
it seems
I’m going down the dirty street | looking to all that’s in my range.
Losing stand under my feet | it sees the place is really strange.


2. Strophe:
So I walk alone | on this empty road
All cause of this one thing | they ever known.
hö? das "they ever known" passt ja da nirgendwo dazu
....
....

3. Strophe:
I never catched the reason | they always note.
-catched+caught
versteh ich wieder nich was du sagen willst
Therefore they had to kick me | out of the boat.
And that’s only cause of | I shagged the Kate.
only cause i shagged kate
So every piece of them | is full with hate.
full of hate



mit den ideen lass ich mal x-riff machen, der is da immer sehr kreativ

 

[middy]

1. Strophe:
Somewhere in Nevada | with fucked up shoes.
My only thought is | every thing is loose.
The sun burns on my body | I feel so sick.
The last thing I’d seen | was a heavy brick

Refrain:
I’m going down the dirty street | looking at everything in my range.
Losing stand under my feet | it sees the place is really strange.
I’m going down the dirty street | looking to all that’s in my range.
Losing the ground under my feet | it seems the place is really strange.


2. Strophe:
So I walk alone | on this empty road
All cause of this one thing | they ever known.
Mit "one thing" ist der Fehler gewesen den er begannen hat. Über den alle bescheid wissen.
....
....

3. Strophe:
I never caught the reason | they always note.
HIer will ich sagen, dass er die Fehler nicht erkennt die ihm alle vorhalten. Fand ich recht schwer das richtig einzubringen.
Therefore they had to kick me | out of the boat.
And that’s only cause of | I shagged kate.
So every piece of them | is full of hate.


Ich hoffe für euch ist der Text etwas klarer geworden.
Freue mich über weiter Meinungen!

 

[middy]

Hier mal eine aktuelle Version:

1. Strophe:
Somewhere in Nevada | with fucked uped shoes.
My only thought is | everything is loose.
The sun burns on my body | I feel so sick.
The last thing I’d seen | was a heavy brick

Refrain:
I’m going down the dirty street | looking at everything in my range.
Losing stand under my feet | it sees the place is really strange.
I’m going down the dirty street | looking to all that’s in my range.
Losing the ground under my feet | it seems the place is really strange.

2. Strophe:
So I walk alone | on this empty road
All cause of this one thing | they ever known.
Whats with all my dreams | all of them are lost.
I don’t now | what was the cost.

3. Strophe:
I never caught the reason | they always note.
Therefore they had to kick me | out of the boat.
And that’s only cause of | I shagged the Kate.
So every piece of them | is full of hate.

4.Strophe:
Now I walk so lonely | on this empty road.
Everything seems so hopeless | with my dead load
Also no solution | in the dark sky
At least I see the bright stars | and can only die.

€dit:
Zweite Strophe vervollständigt

 

[x-Riff]

Ein paar Anmerkungen meinerseits:

1. Strophe:
Somewhere in Nevada | with fucked uped shoes.
My only thought is | everything is loose.
The sun burns on my body | I feel so sick.
The last thing I'd seen | was a heavy brick

Refrain:
I'm going down the dirty street | looking at everything in my range.
Losing stand under my feet | it sees the place is really strange.
it sees? it seems oder I see
I'm going down the dirty street | looking to all that's in my range.
Losing the ground under my feet | it seems the place is really strange.

2. Strophe:
So I walk alone | on this empty road
All cause of this one thing | they ever known.
mit they ever known kann ich wenig anfangen: was sie immer schon wußten? nicht dann: they have always known oder they have known since ever/from the beginning oder sowas?
Whats with all my dreams | all of them are lost.
what happened to my dreams evtl.? they are all lost evtl.
I don't now | what was the cost.
evtl. I don´t know yet what the loss did cost oder so

3. Strophe:
I never caught the reason | they always note.
Therefore they had to kick me | out of the boat.
And that's only cause of | I shagged the Kate.
ohne of, imho
So every piece of them | is full of hate.
every peace of them finde ich nicht sooo toll vlt: so every look of them is full of hate oder so?

4.Strophe:
Now I walk so lonely | on this empty road.
Everything seems so hopeless | with my dead load
carrying my dead load?
Also no solution | in the dark sky
At least I see the bright stars | and can only die.

Die Geschichte ist nur in Ansätzen oder Fragmenten erahnbar, warum eigentlich das lyrische Ich einerseits in Verruf und andererseits in seine verzweifelte Lage gekommen ist. Man muss das ja nicht durchbuchstabieren, aber der größte Anteil des Textes machen eben mehr oder weniger die Schilderungen aus, dass es so ist. Auch die Geschichte mit Kate ist nur angedeutet, eigentlich nur angeführt.

So bleibt eine Distanz zu dem lyrischen Ich, dessen Trauer man durchaus teilen mag, dessen Situation man aber eigentlich nicht versteht.

Möglicherweise fällt Dir dazu noch was ein. Wobei ich den Text nicht unbedingt länger machen sondern dafür eher andere Teile (das wiederholte einsame Wandern auf einsamen Straßen) streichen würde.

x-Riff

 

[middy]

Okay spitze! Danke für deine Hilfe. Dies soll natürlich auch noch nicht der entgültige Text sein. Wir wollen noch weiter dran feilen. Werd mal deine Verbesserungsvorschläge den anderen zeigen und dann denke ich das wir am Sonntag Abend aufjedenfall einen hoffentlich wunderschönen Text haben.

Ist unser erste Song und nun schon der zweite Text... der erste war auf Deutsch, aber der ist ganz misslungen, vom Thema her.

MfG

 

[x-Riff]

Okay, middy - dann könnte es Euch eventuell das ein oder andere bringen, mal in dem workshop lyrics hier auf dem board zu stöbern (link in meiner signatur).

 

[middy]

So hab mich mal noch selbst dran gesetzt und eine neue 4. Strophe fabriziert...


1. Strophe:
Somewhere in Nevada | with fucked uped shoes.
My only thought is | everything is loose.
The sun burns on my body | I feel so sick.
The last thing I’d seen | was a heavy brick

Refrain:
I’m going down the dirty street | looking at everything in my range.
Losing stand under my feet | it seems the place is really strange.
I’m going down the dirty street | looking to all that’s in my range.
Losing the ground under my feet | it seems the place is really strange.

2. Strophe:
What’s with all my dreams | all of them are blown.
All cause of this one thing | they have always known.
I don’t so bad things | the ever say.
But now I am here | and had to pay.

3. Strophe:
I never caught the reason | they always note.
Therefore they had to kick me | out of the boat.
And that’s only cause | I shagged the Kate.
So every piece of them | is full of hate.

4.Strophe:
I can’t understand | why they kicked me out.
I can’t understand | I wasn’t so loud.
Give it a rest | and get off my back!
With my next band | I planed the next attack.

xxx
Now I walk so lonely | on this empty road.
Everything seems so hopeless | carrying my dead load
Also no solution | in the dark sky
At least I see the bright stars | and can only die.


Mit dem letzten Teil wieß ich noch nichts anzufangen, vllt fällt euch was ein. Kann man vllt statt etwas anderem einsetzten.
Ich hoffe man kann die traurige "Geschichte" nun etwas besser verstehen.