Everlasting Dependency

von erdbeer-shisha, 13.01.08.

  1. erdbeer-shisha

    erdbeer-shisha Registrierter Benutzer

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    Erstellt: 13.01.08   #1
    Liebe Profis,
    verbessert mich, gebt mir Tips, gebt mir neue Ansätze...
    ich brauche konstruktive kritik, denn ich bin ein blutiger Anfänger, der es aber trotzdem nicht lassen kann, was er fühlt, auf Papier zu bringen :rolleyes:

    Claudi




    And I know you would rather fall in my arms and hold me like you´ve ever done
    Although you would never say I know you still love me, I know
    Yes, you would never say, but deep in your heart you feel the same as well
    Because you gave me your heart to hold it in my hand
    And in my hand it keeps beating, and beating
    Constantly and softly by feeling the warmth of myself

    Are you safe now?

    The worst is over now, and we can breathe again
    There is no wonder why we are still connected by each other
    Can you trust me once more?
    Take my hand
    Please

    I´m waiting for you
    Because I´m still in love with you
    Because everything you do
    Had made a sense
    Was true
    For me, you were never outpaced
    Always speaking frenetically of you
    You hold me still when I was afraid

    But love has made us fallen apart
    Made us struggling at the end of the way
    And the way is now over
    Forever
    Please
    Trust me
    Be patient
    I can wait for
    Forever
    I love you

    My feelings are the same
    But the heart is one another
    Recognise the lines in it
    Im sure you don’t want an other
    My mistakes were the faults of love
    Your mistakes were deep in your mind
    And as I lay in front of you
    I know you wouldn’t bother


    Seeing you makes me wanna
    Hold your hand and don´t regret
    Touching you makes me gonna
    Come to you to feel your breath
    And everytime you turn away
    It´s like another broken home
    Help me ´cause without you
    There is no shelter from the storm
    Tell me, why don´t you understand that my only wish today
    Is to stand by your side and kiss you and to feel like drifting away

    Yes, drifting away with you
    Forgetting that we were long ago drifted apart
    Living glorious history but then, forgetting all that was
    I know you would even left me here
    In friendly isolation
    And as the song is over now
    There is no replication

    I really cannot understand why the fight wasn’t won
    For you it´s just a memory but for me it still lives on…
     
  2. desgraca

    desgraca Registrierter Benutzer

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    Erstellt: 13.01.08   #2
    das klingt für mich eigentlich sehr echt und "natürlich", wenn du dich nicht zwingen musst, was zusammenzudichten, sondern das gegenteil der fall ist, is das doch super



    And I know you would rather fall in my arms and hold me like you´ve ever done
    into
    Although you would never say I know you still love me, I know
    Yes, you would never say, but deep in your heart you feel the same as well
    Because you gave me your heart to hold it in my hand
    And in my hand it keeps beating, and beating
    Constantly and softly by feeling the warmth of myself
    hmmm,.."warmth of myself" geht nicht......"constantly and softly cause it can feel my warmth"
    "...feel the warmth i give/have"


    Are you safe now?

    The worst is over now, and we can breathe again
    There is no wonder why we are still connected by each other
    (It's) no wonder we are still connected to each other
    Can you trust me once more?
    besser: one more time
    Take my hand
    Please

    I´m waiting for you
    Because I´m still in love with you
    Because everything you do
    Had made a sense
    made sense
    Was true
    For me, you were never outpaced
    Always speaking frenetically of you
    i always talked frenetically about you
    You hold me still when I was afraid
    you held me tight when i was afraid

    But love has made us fallen apart
    but love made us fall apart
    Made us struggling at the end of the way
    struggle
    And the way is now over
    is over now
    Forever
    Please
    Trust me
    Be patient
    I can wait for
    Forever
    "i can wait forever"
    I love you

    My feelings are the same
    But the heart is one another
    is another
    Recognize the lines in it
    Im sure you don’t want another
    My mistakes were the faults of love
    besser: failures of love
    Your mistakes were deep in your mind
    And as I lay in front of you
    as i lie
    I know you wouldn’t bother


    Seeing you makes me wanna
    Hold your hand and don´t regret
    and not regret
    Touching you makes me gonna
    ohne das "gonna"
    Come to you to feel your breath
    come close to you
    And everytime you turn away
    It´s like another broken home
    Help me ´cause without you
    There is no shelter from the storm
    Tell me, why don´t you understand that my only wish today
    Is to stand by your side and kiss you and to feel like drifting away
    like i'm drifting away
    diese strophe find ich am gelungensten :great:


    Yes, drifting away with you
    Forgetting that we were long ago drifted apart
    that we had been drifting apart long ago
    Living glorious history but then, forgetting all that was
    I know you would even left me here
    have left
    In friendly isolation
    And as the song is over now
    There is no replication

    I really cannot understand why the fight wasn’t won
    For you it´s just a memory but for me it still lives on…




    also gegen ende hin sind da ein paar sehr schön formulierte zeilen dabei, oben würd ich mir teilweise wünschen, dass du ein bisschen aus den allgemeinen phrasen rauskommst und es auf den punkt bringst
     
  3. willypanic

    willypanic Registrierter Benutzer

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    Erstellt: 14.01.08   #3
    Ich gebe nate unbedingt recht, ich finde, dass ist Wortmaterial für 2-3 Texte.
    Wobei es inhaltlich gegen Ende immer besser wird.
    Es sind viele Wiederholungen drin, die das Interesse am Zuhören/ Lesen teilweise stark sinken lassen.

    "Viel hilft viel" gilt nicht.
    "Weniger ist mehr"

    Aber es klingt schon sehr romantisch und sehr gefühlsecht.
    Grüße
    willy

    Ps.: Dein Nick-name klingt unglaublich lecker!
     
  4. erdbeer-shisha

    erdbeer-shisha Threadersteller Registrierter Benutzer

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    Erstellt: 14.01.08   #4
    schonmal vielen dank für eure beiden Antworten :)
    das mit der Textstärke, da gebe ich euch Recht, da muss ich unbedingt noch was draus kürzen,nur komischerweise sagt ihr ,ihr findet das Ende immer besser,dabei finde ich, das am Anfang die Emotionen viel besser rüberkommen, aber vielleicht ist das doch etwas zu ausformuliert:rolleyes:

    auf jedenfall freue ich mich darüber, dass der Text in euren Augen nicht aufgesetzt klingt, sondern eher natürlich :D

    aber genau solche anregungen brauch ich,vielen Dank dafür :great:

    eure claudi; PS: Shisha is schon ne geile Sache,oder ;)
     
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