Everlasting Dependency

[erdbeer-shisha]

Liebe Profis,
verbessert mich, gebt mir Tips, gebt mir neue Ansätze...
ich brauche konstruktive kritik, denn ich bin ein blutiger Anfänger, der es aber trotzdem nicht lassen kann, was er fühlt, auf Papier zu bringen

Claudi




And I know you would rather fall in my arms and hold me like you´ve ever done
Although you would never say I know you still love me, I know
Yes, you would never say, but deep in your heart you feel the same as well
Because you gave me your heart to hold it in my hand
And in my hand it keeps beating, and beating
Constantly and softly by feeling the warmth of myself

Are you safe now?

The worst is over now, and we can breathe again
There is no wonder why we are still connected by each other
Can you trust me once more?
Take my hand
Please

I´m waiting for you
Because I´m still in love with you
Because everything you do
Had made a sense
Was true
For me, you were never outpaced
Always speaking frenetically of you
You hold me still when I was afraid

But love has made us fallen apart
Made us struggling at the end of the way
And the way is now over
Forever
Please
Trust me
Be patient
I can wait for
Forever
I love you

My feelings are the same
But the heart is one another
Recognise the lines in it
Im sure you don’t want an other
My mistakes were the faults of love
Your mistakes were deep in your mind
And as I lay in front of you
I know you wouldn’t bother


Seeing you makes me wanna
Hold your hand and don´t regret
Touching you makes me gonna
Come to you to feel your breath
And everytime you turn away
It´s like another broken home
Help me ´cause without you
There is no shelter from the storm
Tell me, why don´t you understand that my only wish today
Is to stand by your side and kiss you and to feel like drifting away

Yes, drifting away with you
Forgetting that we were long ago drifted apart
Living glorious history but then, forgetting all that was
I know you would even left me here
In friendly isolation
And as the song is over now
There is no replication

I really cannot understand why the fight wasn’t won
For you it´s just a memory but for me it still lives on…

 

[desgraca]

ich bin ein blutiger Anfänger, der es aber trotzdem nicht lassen kann, was er fühlt, auf Papier zu bringen

das klingt für mich eigentlich sehr echt und "natürlich", wenn du dich nicht zwingen musst, was zusammenzudichten, sondern das gegenteil der fall ist, is das doch super



And I know you would rather fall in my arms and hold me like you´ve ever done
into
Although you would never say I know you still love me, I know
Yes, you would never say, but deep in your heart you feel the same as well
Because you gave me your heart to hold it in my hand
And in my hand it keeps beating, and beating
Constantly and softly by feeling the warmth of myself
hmmm,.."warmth of myself" geht nicht......"constantly and softly cause it can feel my warmth"
"...feel the warmth i give/have"


Are you safe now?

The worst is over now, and we can breathe again
There is no wonder why we are still connected by each other
(It's) no wonder we are still connected to each other
Can you trust me once more?
besser: one more time
Take my hand
Please

I´m waiting for you
Because I´m still in love with you
Because everything you do
Had made a sense
made sense
Was true
For me, you were never outpaced
Always speaking frenetically of you
i always talked frenetically about you
You hold me still when I was afraid
you held me tight when i was afraid

But love has made us fallen apart
but love made us fall apart
Made us struggling at the end of the way
struggle
And the way is now over
is over now
Forever
Please
Trust me
Be patient
I can wait for
Forever
"i can wait forever"
I love you

My feelings are the same
But the heart is one another
is another
Recognize the lines in it
Im sure you don’t want another
My mistakes were the faults of love
besser: failures of love
Your mistakes were deep in your mind
And as I lay in front of you
as i lie
I know you wouldn’t bother


Seeing you makes me wanna
Hold your hand and don´t regret
and not regret
Touching you makes me gonna
ohne das "gonna"
Come to you to feel your breath
come close to you
And everytime you turn away
It´s like another broken home
Help me ´cause without you
There is no shelter from the storm
Tell me, why don´t you understand that my only wish today
Is to stand by your side and kiss you and to feel like drifting away
like i'm drifting away
diese strophe find ich am gelungensten

Yes, drifting away with you
Forgetting that we were long ago drifted apart
that we had been drifting apart long ago
Living glorious history but then, forgetting all that was
I know you would even left me here
have left
In friendly isolation
And as the song is over now
There is no replication

I really cannot understand why the fight wasn’t won
For you it´s just a memory but for me it still lives on…




also gegen ende hin sind da ein paar sehr schön formulierte zeilen dabei, oben würd ich mir teilweise wünschen, dass du ein bisschen aus den allgemeinen phrasen rauskommst und es auf den punkt bringst

 

[willypanic]

Ich gebe nate unbedingt recht, ich finde, dass ist Wortmaterial für 2-3 Texte.
Wobei es inhaltlich gegen Ende immer besser wird.
Es sind viele Wiederholungen drin, die das Interesse am Zuhören/ Lesen teilweise stark sinken lassen.

"Viel hilft viel" gilt nicht.
"Weniger ist mehr"

Aber es klingt schon sehr romantisch und sehr gefühlsecht.
Grüße
willy

Ps.: Dein Nick-name klingt unglaublich lecker!

 

[erdbeer-shisha]

schonmal vielen dank für eure beiden Antworten
das mit der Textstärke, da gebe ich euch Recht, da muss ich unbedingt noch was draus kürzen,nur komischerweise sagt ihr ,ihr findet das Ende immer besser,dabei finde ich, das am Anfang die Emotionen viel besser rüberkommen, aber vielleicht ist das doch etwas zu ausformuliert

auf jedenfall freue ich mich darüber, dass der Text in euren Augen nicht aufgesetzt klingt, sondern eher natürlich

aber genau solche anregungen brauch ich,vielen Dank dafür

eure claudi; PS: Shisha is schon ne geile Sache,oder