Revolution of my soul

von FollowTheHollow, 20.08.06.

  1. FollowTheHollow

    FollowTheHollow Registrierter Benutzer

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    Erstellt: 20.08.06   #1
    hoi leutz, ich bin ja eigentlich kein Sänger, aber der Thread hier scheint mir perfekt um meine selbst geschriebenen Texten zu posten. Ich würd gerne mal n paar meinungen von euch hören (Kritik - Lob - Tipps etc.)
    Meine fragen an euch : sind n paar sachen vllt übertrieben?versteht man manche textzeilen net? gibs irgendwo keine sinnvollen gedankenverknüpfungen? oda sowas in der art...
    n kleine frage am rande: findet ihr, der text passt zu ner Metal-/Emocore-Band?könnt ja eure antworten vllt begründen...


    Revolution of my soul

    we kissed us for many years
    but on one day,it was different
    with a dither voice and many tears
    you said it to me

    "I love you but i must go"
    that was the last sentence you said
    i catch the gun and put the trigger
    and i hit you deadly

    Ref.:
    I like myself and my life
    and ev'rybody who wants to destroy it
    I will put him down to the ground
    at the bodom he'll feeling kicked!

    you explain, you've met an other person
    an other person completly different from me
    i couldn't understand it but i learn and
    PUSH YOU AWAY!

    Ref.:
    I like myself and my life
    and ev'rybody who wants to destroy it
    I will put him down to the ground
    at the bodom he'll feeling kicked!

    you hurt myself so much and I hate you
    but now, there was a revolution of feelings in my soul
    I swear to me I will never appoint myself to somebody
    no woman should can hurt me

    Ref.:
    I like myself and my life
    and ev'rybody who wants to destroy it
    I will put him down to the ground
    at the bodom he'll feeling kicked!

    the revolution is completly finished
    my life is only mine
    because i won't be punished (anymore)
    and that's why I'm here!

    Ref.:
    I like myself and my life
    and ev'rybody who wants to destroy it
    I will put him down to the ground
    at the bodom he'll feeling kicked!


    danke

    mfg
     
  2. desgraca

    desgraca Registrierter Benutzer

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    Erstellt: 21.08.06   #2
    Revolution of my soul

    we've been kissing (us) for many years
    but one day,it was different
    with a dither voice and many tears
    you said to me

    "I love you but i must go"
    that was the last sentence you said besser: these were the last words you said
    i catch the gun and pull the trigger
    and i hit you deadly

    Ref.:
    I like myself and my life
    and ev'rybody who wants to destroy it
    I will put him down to the ground
    to/down the bottom he‘ll feel kicked!
    (bodom ist ein see in finnland)
    you explain, you've met an other person
    another (an other gibt es nicht) person completly different from me
    i couldn't understand it but i learn and
    PUSH YOU AWAY!

    Ref.:
    I like myself and my life
    and ev'rybody who wants to destroy it
    I will put him down to the ground
    at the bodom he‘ll feeling kicked!

    you hurt me so much and I hate you
    but now, there was a revolution of feelings in my soul
    I swear to myself I will never appoint myself to somebody meinst du unterordnen oder sowas?
    no woman should can hurt me

    Ref.:
    I like myself and my life
    and ev'rybody who wants to destroy it
    I will put him down to the ground
    at the bodom he‘ll feeling kicked!

    the revolution is completly finished besser: is complete
    my life is only mine
    because i won't be punished (anymore)
    and that's why I'm here!

    Ref.:
    I like myself and my life
    and ev'rybody who wants to destroy it
    I will put him down to the ground
    at the bodom he‘ll feeling kicked!

    ich sag nix mehr zum inhalt :o das is nich meine welt, aber muss es ja auch nich sein:)
    liebe grüße:)
     
  3. Errraddicator

    Errraddicator Registrierter Benutzer

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    Erstellt: 21.08.06   #3
    Gleiche wie gerade...
    Viel zu viel Refrain.
    4x Refrain is echt zu viel wie ich finde.
    Mach die Strophen mal doppelt so lang, dann brauchste den Refrain nur 2 - 3x bringen und dann sollte das besser klingen.

    Grammatikalisch wurde ja schon korrigiert.
     
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